I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
