I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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