Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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