just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
