Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
