Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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