Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Less talking, more tequila
whose ass print is on the piano?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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