I showed him my bush... on skype.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
