Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Mom said you looked used
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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