Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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