get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Shame is for Republicans.
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