Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
