you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
