These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
