nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Let's get the cat blown out
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
