im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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