if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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