Sorry, I don't speak sober.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
