I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
