Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
