I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
