from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
