Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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