So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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