whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
