We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Found your dick twin last night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
