I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
