That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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