Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
