I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
