When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sext me about skeletons
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
