I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
