dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
