My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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