I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize