I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
