my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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