Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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