you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
