Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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