is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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