he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
