I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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