I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
