I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
whose ass print is on the piano?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
