my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
