Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize