Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
