the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
