dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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