this boner is exhausting
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
