The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
