Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
