Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
