Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
