Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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