i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
