lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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