Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
